It is a strange feeling being unable to work out whether you are totally insane or maybe just a little depressed...my two steps back last week creeped up on me without my realising it was happening...sitting with my counsellor I could see and feel her disappointment that the work we had been doing had unravelled to a large extent....when I left she looked possibly more down that I did. An analysis of issues seemed to show I hate myself and put closed doors in front of progress....a paranoid fear of moving in the right direction. Too much too soon? Smaller bites maybe...homework is to work on two areas by which I can move forward...outside that shrinking comfort zone that has become my safety blanket for so long......having finally escaped an abusive marriage I should be climbing up out of that miasma of rabbit-like nervousness.....one step forward.
I score high on most autism tests and certainly feel Asperger's has been a companion of sorts throughout my life...early worrying about returning parents leading to regimented prayers that had to list the whole family.....the counting to twenty-five for no obvious reason...if interrupted it had to start again. The arguing against the bad thoughts always in 3s. The bad thoughts coming from nowhere and having to be shouted out......only recently have they quietened...now held in temporary check by increasing levels of anti-depressants.....the doctor believe they should be increased again....who knows....? Certainly not me.
Heavy weight materialises out of the blue and starts it's familiar downward movement on my chest. Still a daily occurrence and the need to retreat from reality arrives with alacrity....
There is a basic autism test here;
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