One step forward, two steps back.......

It is a strange feeling being unable to work out whether you are totally insane or maybe just a little depressed...my two steps back last week creeped up on me without my realising it was happening...sitting with my counsellor I could see and feel her disappointment that the work we had been doing had unravelled to a large extent....when I left she looked possibly more down that I did. An analysis of issues seemed to show I hate myself and put closed doors in front of progress....a paranoid fear of moving in the right direction. Too much too soon? Smaller bites maybe...homework is to work on two areas by which I can move forward...outside that shrinking comfort zone that has become my safety blanket for so long......having finally escaped an abusive marriage I should be climbing up out of that miasma of rabbit-like nervousness.....one step forward. 

I score high on most autism tests and certainly feel Asperger's has been a companion of sorts throughout my life...early worrying about returning parents leading to regimented prayers that had to list the whole family.....the counting to twenty-five for no obvious reason...if interrupted it had to start again. The arguing against the bad thoughts always in 3s. The bad thoughts coming from nowhere and having to be shouted out......only recently have they quietened...now held in temporary check by increasing levels of anti-depressants.....the doctor believe they should be increased again....who knows....? Certainly not me. 

Heavy weight materialises out of the blue and starts it's familiar downward movement on my chest. Still a daily occurrence and the need to retreat from reality arrives with alacrity....

There is a basic autism test here;

http://mindchecker.channel4.com/test-autism.html

The first step in any journey...............

........is a long one made up of short thoughts and paranoia. How to conquer the doorway to the outside world without immersing oneself in the total despair of the anxious soul? I often think it is easier to stay behind the front door and watch the world through a spyhole.......there is no confrontation that way....the meeting of strangers that strikes the chord of discontent from within and grows to a maddeningly loud resonance echoing around confines of the troubled mind...that crazed mental shout of 'NO'!! Silence. Peace. Surrender. Barrier. Retreat. Close the door and hide.

This is an attempt at a journey into my psyche. A personal notepad or maybe dashboard to gather thoughts and express feelings.....easily done when walking in a daze through streets of shadows and alien images but more difficult when sitting and trying to formulate those images into the written form....digression and lackadaisicallity are constant soulmates fighting the creative urge......I shall try harder.....memories of 'must try harder' and 'has ability however rarely shows it' intrude as usual upon attempts of moving forward. Far easier indeed to stay in the same place...that fabled comfort zone of modern speak.....stretch oneself and explore new pathways. Easier said than done. Close the book and drink tea...retreat to bed and the comfort zone of duvet and sleep......darkness, quiet, peace.

Real world intrusion. More later.