I lasted two hours in town shopping before everyone started staring at me. I recognised the problem and left...it had been building up for an hour so I had a good hour shopping, buying too much on the credit card then having a sandwich and tean in M&S. A girl in front have maxxed out her card so I paid for hers. I felt useful. Lots of smiles all round so the £3.50 was a small price to pay. Heavy bags afterwards did not help. Any feeling of discomfort blows up into an emergency of truly Herculean proportions. The shopping throngs all minding their own business however you become convinced they are starting at you. Only you. Is it your hair? Your skin? Your dress sense? Are you being followed? Is it pickpockets. Keep double checking the wallet and the phone, deeply ensconced in overfull jeans pockets. Run. Slowly. Escape. The car is a place of safety. I sit alone and breathe slowly. The panic subsides and I leave.
Once home the toilet calls again. IBS uncontrolled by a poor diet rules the roost these days. Repeat colonoscopy looms. Paranoia. The usual daytime trip. The dishes callout but I leave them as the are a barrier to freedom. They will build up again until I can jump that hurdle then feel content with a job accomplished no matter how small. Presents then, overwhelming but it is a task now done. Organisation is the enemy of my anxiety and occasionally it asserts itself. Presents now bagged and labelled. Presents listed by name. Time to work out who needs what? No-one NEEDS anything however this is Christmas. That time of joy and goodwill to all men. Unless, maybe, you were one of those unfortunates in the Berlin Xmas market yesterday. What mindset hampers the growth of man? We go backwards again. The 1% grin and take their tolls. We are but cogs as always.
In 4 days the festivities start. Christmas Eve for German friends and the following morning for me. What price the Xmas remorse once the bills are in again? 2015 bills still lie on the 0% credit card. 5 more months then the sword of Damocles falls. We live, we breathe, we die. In between we fill the gaps one way or another and hope we do it well. Breathe well and slow. Count those breaths. They are high in number however not endless. Appreciate each one and feel the stress leave on the outward journey.
Until the next time..........
