Today has not been a good one. Beta Blockers and antidepressants do not seem to do the job they are meant to. My mind is bordering on suicidal again and I am wondering how my children would take it. That is the thing that stops me - partly the cowardice of making that final decision however the thought of them living with the knowledge of my death makes me sadder still. Where does that final journey take you? Do we hit a gate with the proverbial gate keeper? Are we instantly reborn as a lowly creature in order to make amends for whatever sins we have enjoyed in life? Do we travel down a river in a Mississippi riverboat? I often think, or indeed hope, that we will live on as a soul....an incorporeal presence that loses mankind's limitations on space and time. If we do live on though why do we not visit our loved ones? Is the afterlife so fantastic that we no longer think of those influences from the real world? So many religions hinge on the belief of a reward in the everafter.......Christianity grew because of it - finally all could be considered equal from the lowliest slave to the highest of the high. Do we really receive 7 virgins? Is there a permanent party of fur clad barbarians being served vast amounts of ale by winged Valkyries? It all seems a little too good to be true and, like timeshare sales, I suspect it is. We live we die. That moment of creation when sperm meets egg and DNA intermingles to give another human being its essence. Surely we have all lived before though? There are only a finite number of configurations to DNA.......an extremely high number granted, however I suspect we are not alone as individuals once the corridor of time is opened......I have been, I am and I will be. A comforting thought for some, a potent for paranoia for others, myself possibly included....is the genetic makeup that brings me to the point of self destruction doomed to repetition throughout history or, is it a sliding door scenario where I can attain greatness instead of hoping it is thrust upon me. No lottery win this time. Music, that moody food for those that are in love was my dream before family and writing alongside that before and after.....near publication and fame was giddy however the hands that feeds the strings of Fate's harp twanged the wrong tune. I digress. I always digress. How to concentrate on any one given subject? Could do better. Must commit himself to study. A lot of potential if only he would put his mind to it. School corridors so dark and unappealing to a misunderstood mind that was to be molded for posterity into a role chosen by the man. Which man? I wish I knew so I could slap him and watch the other me travel a truer path. Would I miss my present? No, because the present cannot be changed.....it is already a done thing....this timeline has happened so you can only watch you other timeline and see the mistakes and successes of the alternate you. Oh to have that greatness achieved within eyesight. Will the alien invaders show us the tapes of our foibles since they dropped an organic seed bomb here those countless millennia since? Do we share their DNA? If we do they are us and we are they. If not then why not? Is DNA not the ultimate advancement of that theoretical evolution which has served to bring us from the primordial soup? Are they ET or Geiger? Do we greet them with M&Ms or nuke them out of orbit just incase. Man will make the correct decision at some point. Time is a circle, possibly like space.....it all comes around again. Eventually.
