Christmas cheers and goodwill to all.............

I lasted two hours in town shopping before everyone started staring at me. I recognised the problem and left...it had been building up for an hour so I had a good hour shopping, buying too much on the credit card then having a sandwich and tean in M&S. A girl in front have maxxed out her card so I paid for hers. I felt useful. Lots of smiles all round so the £3.50 was a small price to pay. Heavy bags afterwards did not help. Any feeling of discomfort blows up into an emergency of truly Herculean proportions. The shopping throngs all minding their own business however you become convinced they are starting at you. Only you. Is it your hair? Your skin? Your dress sense? Are you being followed? Is it pickpockets. Keep double checking the wallet and the phone, deeply ensconced in overfull jeans pockets. Run. Slowly. Escape. The car is a place of safety. I sit alone and breathe slowly. The panic subsides and I leave. 

Once home the toilet calls again. IBS uncontrolled by a poor diet rules the roost these days. Repeat colonoscopy looms. Paranoia. The usual daytime trip. The dishes callout but I leave them as the are a barrier to freedom. They will build up again until I can jump that hurdle then feel content with a job accomplished no matter how small. Presents then, overwhelming but it is a task now done. Organisation is the enemy of my anxiety and occasionally it asserts itself. Presents now bagged and labelled. Presents listed by name. Time to work out who needs what? No-one NEEDS anything however this is Christmas. That time of joy and goodwill to all men. Unless, maybe, you were one of those unfortunates in the Berlin Xmas market yesterday. What mindset hampers the growth of man? We go backwards again. The 1% grin and take their tolls. We are but cogs as always. 

In 4 days the festivities start. Christmas Eve for German friends and the following morning for me. What price the Xmas remorse once the bills are in again? 2015 bills still lie on the 0% credit card. 5 more months then the sword of Damocles falls. We live, we breathe, we die. In between we fill the gaps one way or another and hope we do it well. Breathe well and slow. Count those breaths. They are high in number however not endless. Appreciate each one and feel the stress leave on the outward journey.

Until the next time..........

The end of another day in Paradise.............

Today has not been a good one. Beta Blockers and antidepressants do not seem to do the job they are meant to. My mind is bordering on suicidal again and I am wondering how my children would take it. That is the thing that stops me - partly the cowardice of making that final decision however the thought of them living with the knowledge of my death makes me sadder still. Where does that final journey take you? Do we hit a gate with the proverbial gate keeper? Are we instantly reborn as a lowly creature in order to make amends for whatever sins we have enjoyed in life? Do we travel down a river in a Mississippi riverboat? I often think, or indeed hope, that we will live on as a soul....an incorporeal presence that loses mankind's limitations on space and time. If we do live on though why do we not visit our loved ones? Is the afterlife so fantastic that we no longer think of those influences from the real world? So many religions hinge on the belief of a reward in the everafter.......Christianity grew because of it - finally all could be considered equal from the lowliest slave to the highest of the high. Do we really receive 7 virgins? Is there a permanent party of fur clad barbarians being served vast amounts of ale by winged Valkyries? It all seems a little too good to be true and, like timeshare sales,  I suspect it is. We live we die. That moment of creation when sperm meets egg and DNA intermingles to give another human being its essence. Surely we have all lived before though? There are only a finite number of configurations to DNA.......an extremely high number granted, however I suspect we are not alone as individuals once the corridor of time is opened......I have been, I am and I will be. A comforting thought for some, a potent for paranoia for others, myself possibly included....is the genetic makeup that brings me to the point of self destruction doomed to repetition throughout history or, is it a sliding door scenario where I can attain greatness instead of hoping it is thrust upon me. No lottery win this time. Music, that moody food for those that are in love was my dream before family and writing alongside that before and after.....near publication and fame was giddy however the hands that feeds the strings of Fate's harp twanged the wrong tune. I digress. I always digress. How to concentrate on any one given subject? Could do better. Must commit himself to study. A lot of potential if only he would put his mind to it. School corridors so dark and unappealing to a misunderstood mind that was to be molded for posterity into a role chosen by the man. Which man? I wish I knew so I could slap him and watch the other me travel a truer path. Would I miss my present? No, because the present cannot be changed.....it is already a done thing....this timeline has happened so you can only watch you other timeline and see the mistakes and successes of the alternate you. Oh to have that greatness achieved within eyesight. Will the alien invaders show us the tapes of our foibles since they dropped an organic seed bomb here those countless millennia since? Do we share their DNA? If we do they are us and we are they. If not then why not? Is DNA not the ultimate advancement of that theoretical evolution which has served to bring us from the primordial soup? Are they ET or Geiger? Do we greet them with M&Ms or nuke them out of orbit just incase. Man will make the correct decision at some point. Time is a circle, possibly like space.....it all comes around again. Eventually.

Relationships, thoughts, desires and corruption..........

I often look back at my time and wonder what has made a relationship work.....a partnership, a meeting of minds and ideals or merely the trading of copious amount of sperm and vaginal fluids? We human beings are a relatively simplistic creature in that our wants are obvious and can be broken down into two needs - security and fellowship. Where the difference occurs between individuals we see the extent of need for each. Mr 'high flying pseudo executive' sees security in large financial gains and power broking - his fellowship wants tend to be the need for acceptance within his supposed peer groups, the people he (or she of course) is trying to climb over in order to reach an endless pinnacle of desire. His life partner will tend to be fleeting - there is never enough time to complete the security aspect in order to feed the needs of a partner / family. Choices are made within our emerging peer groups........to use the stereotypes, the poor black child turns to those with money - pimps, prostitutes, criminals - they have the glamour. His life path is set unless it can be broken, taken apart and re directionalized. Not an easy task and one the higher echelons of society rarely wants to engage. The middle class white boy growing up in is middle class neighbourhood and attending the 'better' schools, be they state or private, meets his peer group of blue collar workers and beyond - management, salesmen, doctors, solicitors.......he sees the success and aspires. Simple examples and, as i said, highly stereotyped. The truth is not far from that and who indeed is right or wrong? Society states the black child is scum and deserves his uneducated prison saturated future......the white child is also deserving of his path, an upstanding type who will contribute to the needs of society, pay taxes, vote for the correct party and go to church on a Sunday. Maybe not the latter (more of that in a future post). So, here we have 2 stereotypical children forced upon a path by their peer groups. Which child is wrong from their perspective? Or should we ask which child is right? Both follow how they are shaped by the society in which they are brought up - nature versus nurture can be argued however the starting blocks certainly mold an individual. For good or for bad. Swap the colours around and there is little difference. Yes, the world needs poorly paid, uneducated workers for the menial tasks that bring with them low pay and (generally) poor future prospects. In order for corporate greed to prosper, minimal wages are necessary. Unemployment is highly sort after in order to keep wages down and a populace fearful of losing the little security they have. Very small cogs in a very large machine. Very small indeed. One cogs fails the machine grinds on....more cogs fail and the machine grinds on and throws more cogs into the grinder.....what now the price of the individual? Take enough cogs from the machine and it will stall. Russia 1917. Is that what we need? A revolution in order to turn the tables on the ridiculous imbalances within world society? Think on that the rulers of today were the gangs of yesteryear.....and now we hand everything to them upon a plate. Nuff said. Change comes from within but starts from without. Back to relationships.........the lower levels of society (and I use the term loosely and without rancour) accept less........security is a wage coming in, be it benefits based or salary, and a roof over ones' head. The relationship will be stronger and more 'real' as it is based on an actual appreciation of where they are and a 'realistic' outlook on the future. Do we have affairs for any other reason that self gratification or revenge? Do we walk outside the confines of a partnership in order to test it to breaking point? Prove the love. Prove you win. Prove you are wanted, desired, worshipped? You had it all and now it has gone. The trust. Loner. Now try to find a new life partner - memories cloud your thoughts. Memories of what was good and the negatives pale. Why did you do it? Why do we climb mountains.........?? Because they are there. We are simple souls and fall prey to simplistic ideology. What is one man's right is another man's wrong. Think not of what the country can do for you? Why? We are the country. Politicians are there to guide the country during their oh so temporary guardianship. Are they? Security and relationship. How many politicians (and similar of their ilk) do we see that actually selflessly represent their country? Oh no. It is more a question of do what little we can and ensure we a secure for after the power leaves. Relationship? How many of those in power are caught in affairs of one form or another? The disdain they hold for the common people can be seen easily in the expenses debacle recently. It has always gone on and always will - each transgression was accepted and led to the next. It became habit and so who was wrong??? Black or white again? We are simple as I say. Find a partner. One to share life's abundant bounty. Someone not based on looks but on mind. The mind lasts longer than looks. Check the mirror and watch the person there - think where you are and accept or move on. Life choices are our own in many cases. Don't settle for a life you don't want when you have another option. Comfort zones are enticing however they suck you in and eat you artistic soul. Move on. Tread the path and find your soul mate. Security can be a bus ticket and a suitcase with the right destination.

Oblivion and darkness calls........

When does one first crave the freedom of the black pit of eternal oblivion? We come from nothing and return to nothing with a 'four score and ten' in between.....we don't ask for this and we do nothing to deserve this 'gift' of life. What becomes of those aborted souls and the potential lives that have never reached conception? Is every male ejaculate a doom filled spurt of incessant impossibilities? Each woman's period the same? We create the stuff for life and off it goes without reaching purpose. Orgasm. That little death. Is there therefore a dimension of spirits awaiting release? Filled with the pangs of jealousy that our own 'lottery winning' achievement of a life has given them? Do they ever achieve life and become either the successful goal searching individuals that shine within the light of humanity? Or do they become the searching individuals, those that never know their place...those for whom distrust, anxiety and depression is a daily companion.....a life shaping feeling of constant doom laden reflection? We have but one life.......if we end it do we join the queue to reincarnate ourselves for another chance in the lottery of birth? Another scratch card with infinitesimal chance of success? We are what we are......we are what we make of ourselves....the only one who can change you is you.....yes, I've heard them all. My companion in thought....must do better......must commit to the plan....must, must, must..... Where is the peace I cry out for? The drugs that calm my palpating heart, the shakes of the hands, the tremors in the throat as I meet a stranger passing by....is he the one? Why would he be the one? Is she the one? Why would she be the one? Passengers on a  tiny floating orb in the eternal cosmos......we shall be dust as are those before us? Who will remember my name in a thousand years? A thousand? Maybe grandchildren will remember my name if they appear. So, a hundred years? Will I live on? Do I have the same desire to live on in perpetuity as brave Achilles? I remember my mother's father but not my father's. He died the year I was born so he does not live on to any great extent within me.....a few memories passed on regarding his working life, pictures of his home where he brought up my father and his three brothers. Beyond that very little.....My mother's father I remember very well as I grew up with him a constant companion over weekends throughout my childhood. Would I return to that happy non-committal time? A freedom of sorts as the knowledge of the dredge of future life was not even imagined......would we swap our present for a replay of the past? Imagine the chance and then the realisation that once you were back there you could not change anything.... you are now a passenger within a movie..... everything the same....pre-ordained....karma. The same mistakes again. Would it be worth it? Or are we already travelling that path in a cosmic, ever-searching cycle of an almost altruic attainment of perfection? One life. One journey. Make of it what we can. Stay on the bus. Which bus? Down to you. To me. Timetables are changeable once you decide they can change. Or should that be 'are timetables changeable once you decide they can change'? Move the 'are' and we change the world.

One step forward, two steps back.......

It is a strange feeling being unable to work out whether you are totally insane or maybe just a little depressed...my two steps back last week creeped up on me without my realising it was happening...sitting with my counsellor I could see and feel her disappointment that the work we had been doing had unravelled to a large extent....when I left she looked possibly more down that I did. An analysis of issues seemed to show I hate myself and put closed doors in front of progress....a paranoid fear of moving in the right direction. Too much too soon? Smaller bites maybe...homework is to work on two areas by which I can move forward...outside that shrinking comfort zone that has become my safety blanket for so long......having finally escaped an abusive marriage I should be climbing up out of that miasma of rabbit-like nervousness.....one step forward. 

I score high on most autism tests and certainly feel Asperger's has been a companion of sorts throughout my life...early worrying about returning parents leading to regimented prayers that had to list the whole family.....the counting to twenty-five for no obvious reason...if interrupted it had to start again. The arguing against the bad thoughts always in 3s. The bad thoughts coming from nowhere and having to be shouted out......only recently have they quietened...now held in temporary check by increasing levels of anti-depressants.....the doctor believe they should be increased again....who knows....? Certainly not me. 

Heavy weight materialises out of the blue and starts it's familiar downward movement on my chest. Still a daily occurrence and the need to retreat from reality arrives with alacrity....

There is a basic autism test here;

http://mindchecker.channel4.com/test-autism.html

The first step in any journey...............

........is a long one made up of short thoughts and paranoia. How to conquer the doorway to the outside world without immersing oneself in the total despair of the anxious soul? I often think it is easier to stay behind the front door and watch the world through a spyhole.......there is no confrontation that way....the meeting of strangers that strikes the chord of discontent from within and grows to a maddeningly loud resonance echoing around confines of the troubled mind...that crazed mental shout of 'NO'!! Silence. Peace. Surrender. Barrier. Retreat. Close the door and hide.

This is an attempt at a journey into my psyche. A personal notepad or maybe dashboard to gather thoughts and express feelings.....easily done when walking in a daze through streets of shadows and alien images but more difficult when sitting and trying to formulate those images into the written form....digression and lackadaisicallity are constant soulmates fighting the creative urge......I shall try harder.....memories of 'must try harder' and 'has ability however rarely shows it' intrude as usual upon attempts of moving forward. Far easier indeed to stay in the same place...that fabled comfort zone of modern speak.....stretch oneself and explore new pathways. Easier said than done. Close the book and drink tea...retreat to bed and the comfort zone of duvet and sleep......darkness, quiet, peace.

Real world intrusion. More later.